Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Sorry. I couldn't resist posting this on my blog too, even if it also made it onto Yoda Clones. (grins sheepishly) Tiana POV, horrible angst-drivel, but it served its purpose. Do not read this if you can't handle drivelish posts. (cringe) I just needed something to post.
**
I lay here, and I am alone, stone-like grass underneath my back. I am cold, bitter, I feel as if I'm going to die. But I'm not. I'm merely lost to myself. I'm not going to die, because I don't have any purpose to...
I lay here, and I am cold. I feel empty, as if something's been torn from me...
That's right... it has.
But the memory is not one I want to resurface. I just want nothingness. I want that blank wall of grayness before my eyes.
I lay here, and I want Jether. I want him to be there, to be something real when the pain resurfaces and smashes back into my mind, sending me reeling into an ocean of darkness and tears. I want something, someone to wrap my arms around, to cling to when all else goes black.
I want someone, anyone, before I drown in the memories.
Because I know they're there, once again. They tickle the back of my mind, they whisper at me that I'm just a failure as Calthye. I couldn't even save my own daughter; how then can I save an entire universe of people?
So I shut them out.
I lay here, and I close my eyes. I feel as if I'm hollow, a shell, something that's been taken and blown apart by an explosion in its core. I need someone so badly...
But I am alone. It's just me and my purple skies. My laughing, mocking skies. The ones that think they can control me, when it's merely a symbiosis relationship. We both uphold the other. Without the Calthye, the Realms go tumbling, and without the Realms, there would be no Calthye, no Watcher in the darkness.
I am cold.
Why is there never anyone when I need them the most? Why am I always left hollow when I need to feel someone's arms around me? Why am I always cold to others when I should respond and simply return their emotions?
Why was I the Calthye when I cannot even see my own emotions and understand them.
I need Jether, but he's not here. He always was here before when I needed him, but now I'm alone. I don't have anyone to hold, anything real to grasp. I love him, and yet that means nothing now. I'm still hollow, and I still feel as if I've died inside. Died, but still breathing.
Where is that difference, the differing emotions between need and want? Do I truly need to be loved to survive? Do I truly need someone to hold me to keep from screaming now?
Purple skies...
Death calls my name. Somehow, I want to answer. Perhaps I'll be able to find Alrien in that dark ending.
But I don't want to die yet. I just want to shut out the voices. I just want to shut out this lack of reality. I want to be able to close my eyes and just be held, to trust for once. I don't want to have to mumble I suppose any longer.
I fell in love once, can't I do it again? Can't I find myself in that same pit of emotions that cause me to become ignorant to the world around me, to be innocent and unknowing of the fate that's going to wrap me up in its tight embrace?
I need you... I need you so badly...
I lie here, arms wrapped around my body, trying to keep myself from being taken in by that black embrace. I don't want it to grab me yet, alone in these tears that refuse to fall.
Yet I want to die.
I'm going to die if I can't bring myself from these thoughts, if I can't swim from these tears. I'm going to drown.
I lie here, and I feel like death. I feel like a piece of my purple skies, just another blank space in the colors of reality. I have no senses, no feelings, nothing left. Nothing but a longing for something not there anymore.
I lie here, and I need Jether, if just because he's warmer than this kiss of fatality.
fin.
i hit the post button at
5:35:00 PM
note your presence
